I’m exhausted. I barely slept last night. My brother and his wife took me out to diner and a movie. We saw 27 Dresses and ate at Cafe le Coq in Oak Park, a suburb of Chicago. It was really quite lovely of them. I spent most of the evening wanting to be asleep. I kept forgetting to focus on every little thing they said. It was difficult faking it last night…but I managed to convince.
I know I said that I wouldn’t pretend anymore, but how can I break the habit. It’s so difficult to just give up in front of everyone. When they are all counting on you to be brave and take your medicine and work your treatment, it’s so difficult to pack it in and see the rejection on their faces, the shame they feel for you for not fighting like hell.
I don’t want to keep hurting the people that I love.
I want sleep. I don’t this world to be real anymore. I want to talk myself out of it. I want to walk away from here. I want to start anew. I want to be someone I’ve never met but always looked up to.